It’s funny how we think we know what we want in a spouse. And even funnier that most of the things we do want are there if we look hard enough. I was a very strong-willed independent black woman and for many years so, I ended up getting stuck in my ways of doing things and getting away with it. I thought I was the absolute catch. I’m open-minded or so I thought, I’m a go-getter, I’m fierce, and super attractive. And yes, I was all those things and a lot more, but what I didn’t see or realize was that I was also extremely stubborn and hardheaded, I can be a grump, and I don’t always listen. And I know what you’re thinking, what’s wrong with that? “We all have flaws.” And you’re correct, we do. However, being on my own for such a long time hindered me from seeing all these weak areas I needed to work on. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I realized, wow, I’m a mess!! My husband had a hard time with me! Because not only was I stubborn but I already had a list and a mental picture in my head of what my man ought to be like. The key word here is “man”. Not husband. There is a difference!! And ladies there is nothing wrong with having a list and a mental picture, just as long as you know your designed spouse for you may or may not have everything you had in mind. A man might. A regular casual man you want to date, but your spouse will be different and that’s a good thing because they will challenge you to change and become the best version of yourself flaws and all.

And you want to know what spoke to me. It was not until my husband decided to love me correctly that I realized how wrongly I was used to being loved. I thought I needed someone stern with a deep raspy voice that commanded respect when he spoke like in the movies. I wanted to be told how to do things. Someone to “make me” listen. I was so used to being rough-handled. And spent way too much time watching romantic movies and reading romance novels that I became so Infatuated with pure illusions. My husband didn’t do anything those things that those fictional characters did. And I’m so glad he didn’t. Thank you baby for being your sweet, kind, patient, attentive, and respectful self. This is one of the many reasons I have fallen in love with you! And as I write the words it resonates just how wrong I was about love and what I thought I needed. Take a minute to stop here and evaluate your beliefs about love and your future relationships. If you are like me it’s ok. I hope this helps you realize you don’t need any of that to feel validated. A gentle and loving man will be stern with you when needs to be. And he won’t have to command respect. He will earn it by how he shows his love and affection for you.

My husband is everything I could ever want and need in a husband. I just couldn’t see it because it looked so different from what I was used to. It was teamwork, mutual respect, conversations, and talking about emotions. And patience, so much patience. He refused to let me “bully” him to get my way. And he would constantly tell me this. I could kick and scream all I wanted but he would not give in. I love that about him! That also forced me to find a healthier alternative like effective communication, duh!!!! Practicing effective communication also helped me with my conflict avoidance issues that I didn’t know I had. Remember I said they would help you become the best version of yourself? This is where that comes in. And don’t get me wrong, spouses are hard work. Change isn’t easy but it’s possible. And it is so worth it.

What are some relationship goals or beliefs you have??